Sunny Days in Heaven
Spiritual/Political/Philosophical Blog on the Nature of Truth and Falsehood and Heaven

Wednesday, March 24, 2004  

New World Archeology and amazing discoveries from a backyard

This blog comes from a newcomer, Quoth the Maven. Fearful that you might not go there and read the letter, I took the whole thing from Janet's site.

If you read Church of the Masses, Janet is a friend of Barbara Nicosia.

The story behind this.... Apparently there is a nut who digs things out of his backyard and sends his "discoveries" to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names and insisting they are actual archeological finds. The bizarre truth is that this guy evidently really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway, what follows is a letter from the Smithsonian Institute in response to his submission of a recently discovered specimen.

(I've never looked into the bona fides of this particular item -- but frankly, I don't care. And you won't either when you read it.)

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D," layer seven, next to the clothesline, post Hominid skull." We have given this specimen careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.

However, we feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with that of a common domesticated canine (dog) than it is of the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it.

Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed upon.

B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to this institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you might happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.

Additionally, we eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capitol, which you proposed within your last letter. Several of us on the staff are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "transpositating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" which make the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe,
Curator, Antiquities

posted by Mark Butterworth | 2:31 PM |