Good Morning, Saps.

I know you were expecting Cher to deliver your commencement address but unfortunately she has been called to an emergency meeting of the NASA board of directors. Keep your shirts on and listen closely. I shall be brief.

It has come to my attention that some of you, and perhaps all of you, continue to believe in the dignity of man. Indeed, most of you continue to believe that man is born noble and would stay that way were it not for invidious influences of church, state, and the Boy Scouts.

You continue to believe, against all evidence, that left to his own devices man would be content to chew upon a celery stalk while contemplating the universe. He would dance in the meadows in the afternoon and write sonnets by the light of the moon. He would never know tears or tumors, and indeed would never die.